Life changes ... Our adjustments

We may all be moving to cheaper forms of transportation if the price of gas holds at these levels and continues to climb. Surely the price of a gallon of gas used to fuel Lyle's motorcycle in this picture was much less than the $2.76 I paid this morning to fill up my truck. I am told that once we reach a given price per gallon for gas it is not long before we make the adjustments and accept the new price. The new price becomes the norm as we adjust our tolerance level up.

Life changes call for adjustments. We may not like the changes, but we have to make the adjustments in order to move forward.

I stopped by to drop off some information for Pastor Fred this week. We talked about life and how things were going as we continued to work through the loss of our friend. One of the things we talked of centered on our view of life after a dramatic change. We really would like to go back. I know I am not the only one who would prefer to roll the calendar back more than six weeks and see what could be done to avoid our loss. We cannot do that and so we are left to consider what to do about the changes in life.

My friend Brett led a grief seminar at our church a few years ago. I pulled out those notes to think through the loss of a friend. One of the key questions a person would need to answer in order to continue to work through the experience of grieving struck me. "What does this mean in my life?" There is a wide range of issues that accompany the consideration of this question. At the very least it means things have changed. I will have to make adjustments - to my thinking about life, friends, the future, health, family and on and on.

Too many times we think there is a prescribed period of time that will "heal all wounds." Time does not heal. Time gives us space and permission to continue to the other side. The other side does not mean forgetting. It does not mean the end of hurt and pain. Instead, the other side means a coming to grips with the answers to important questions raised by the experience. Time helps us to adjust.

We would do well to remember the amount of time one needs will vary from person to person. Continuing to answer the important questions together - as family and friends - will help us find strength in the relationships with which God blesses us. We need each other.

Heavier Things ... Daughters ...

Robert Kellog, President of the Baptist Foundation of Oklahoma, once made a comment, "All great men have two daughters." My friend Jeff Moore found this a great comment as he and Sharla have two girls. Naturally, I found this to my liking.

Many would think this means men who have sons and daughters are not great men. I really think what Robert was saying spoke to the important relationship between "Daddys" and "Daughters." One of my favorite songs is my John Mayer titled, Daughters." The chorus line offers a solid challenge,

So Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
Mothers be good to your daughters too.

Lyle loved his daugther. I mentioned in my time of sharing about Lyle just a month ago how proud he was of Natalie. She challenged him. Natalie challenges me. Once she finished reading a book for a given class Natalie often passed it on to Lyle. Some of the subjects and often the content forced us to think about life and faith from differing perspectives. Neatly tucked away in the Bible Belt our ways of thinking can be really obtuse.

Our children comprise the fascinating combination of their parents. Sometimes these "passed on traits" are obvious and somtimes they are latent. All of the time they are present. Too many men miss the import of time with their daughters. Afraid they will break, girls are often relegated to "Mom's project." There is a current critique regarding the feminization of the male; too soft some are saying. There is a great loss of what it means to be a man. Documentation seems at least offer some support.

Yet, Dads who will pay attention to their daughters will not be feminized but rather they will be completed. You could say it is like the development of a good character in a novel. Apart from the experience with his daughters a Daddy may not develop in ways God intended him to otherwise.

There is little doubt Lyle was a man's man. Just ask Jason, Nathan and Eddie to tell the "hand towell" story. He was also his daugther's biggest fan. Sensitivites and perspective may have developed further than expected while learning about life through the eyes of his daughter.

Next month Natalie will graduate from Wheaton. In the same way he stood proud with her when she graduted from Tuttle, Lyle will be proud as she accepts the title graduate a second time. We too often refer to those who have gone before us as if they "were" something that they "are" not now. What a mistake. Sunday we celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus. Our embracing of his hope in resurrection gives us confidence in our own resurrection as his "joint-heir." In the hope of resurrection we know Lyle "is" proud of Natalie.

Hope unites the people of God ... Moves us forward ...

There is an old saying, "It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." Our April newsletter at Snow Hill contained the following gem from Jason. He did not have the picture to post so here is to hoping for forgiveness by posting his thoughts here.

The Lenten Season is almost over. Easter is just a couple weeks away. For me and many others in our community this Lenten Season has been scarred by pain. Not the pain of sacrifice, but the pain of loss. It has been over two weeks since Lyle Burris passed away. His passing has been difficult for my family. Many Sunday evenings you could find the Shepherds playing dominoes with Lyle and Evette. Grace and Emma would eventually weasel their way into his lap usually with a cookie. The Sunday of his passing we shared a meal together after church. Grace and Lyle sat together. I can still see him cutting ravioli up for her.

He set behind us at church. He picked up the crayons, hair bows, paper, Polly Pockets, and candy that the girls inevitably drop on a weekly basis. He was going to be a good Grandfather some day. Since the passing of my father a few years back I had started relying on Lyle for the advice a son sometimes needs from his father. I never told him that. I didn’t need to. He would have been mad at me for thinking he was old enough to fill that role.

I’m not going to try and justify his death. It would only lead to dishonoring him and God. Death is the inevitable burden that unites all of humanity. Hope is the blessing that unites all of God’s people. Hope is not a quick fix. Hope can only heal the wounds of loss slowly over time. There are many other things I could say about Lyle. I’m going to miss him. He was a good friend.

Jason Shepherd, from the April 2006 Snow Hill Newsletter